A poem for my thoughts. 1st poem.

Oh silly girl let love in.

He stopped loving you, that's no sin.

He wasn't made for you, you weren't made for him.

That doesn't mean someone else isn't supposed to step in.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl open your heart.

Don't keep building these bridges to part.  

Walls can crumble, they can fall.

Can't you see you're pushing everyone afar.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh sill girl you're not fooling anyone.

Once upon a time your true heart was shown.

They can see your hate for your heart of stone.

You're only as strong as your broken heart, and the pieces that it's lost.

Stop pretending you'd be okay, to be forever alone.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl let your love bloom.

Diminish the thoughts of only gloom.

Let love live, let it blossom and soar. 

Let it touch the sky, swallow you whole, let it know there's no chance of doom.

Let go, Just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl, can't you agree?

Love was made for people like you and me.

You have to let go, you have to trust fate.

Love can mend, love can build, love can live.

And surely it can grow, just like the sweet apple tree.

Won't you stick around to see?  

    

This time of year.

I was never family orientated till a couple years ago. Family was not something i prioritized during Christmas, or any time in general. I've always lived states or countries away from extended family and i was always content with that. Now that i've been thrown in the mix of my psychotic families during the holidays i don't know how i ever managed to be away from these crazies all the years before. I love the feeling i get when im in the middle of all the chaos. The aunt who keeps screaming at her adhd kid, the mother getting anxiety out the roof so just starts acting like she escaped the crazy house, the dad who without fail breaks something of my grandpas, the grandpa who is now yelling, well more like a muffled mumbling of some sort, the seven dogs that everyone feels the need to bring to the party, running around chasing the imaginary squirrel, the idiots in the corner just cracking jokes and laughing at everyone, usually thats where i'll be found with my brother, the cousins who have the same two lines that made one person laugh, on repeat to everyone and their brother, oh and the screaming baby, lets not forget the drunks that turn out to be the main entertainment of the night. I love being in the middle of all that. I love all the stories that form from the chaos in the weeks later. Christmas is a time to be engulfed with love from your family and friends. Its a time to rejoice with the people who surround you, and its a time to be reminded of how lucky you are for the loved ones you have. Im sitting here just watching all the family and friends who im surrounded with tonight at the Christmas party im at, loving every second of it, loving the laughs im hearing, and the smiles im seeing. Im holding this moment close to my heart for later years, but as for right now someone just arrived with Jack (; and thats my que.
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and merry whatever doesnt offend you! (:
xoxox,
Somer

Fix you

Everyone goes through struggles in their life. Loosing a loved one is probably the toughest one that i have struggled with. Lately thats all i can think about, is the people that i loved, i lost. My moms mom, who i called Mum-mum i lost to cancer a couple years ago, my soccer coach of 5 years i lost to cancer an even shorter time ago. These were by far some of the most tough times i had ever gone through, and more tough from the fact that i refused to let anyone help me get through those times. My grandpa Frank has cancer of the throat, its came back twice now, and he is not even able to do radiation more. He is choosing to quite chemo as well, because he wants to live the life he has left without that extra pain. Long story short it doesnt look good, im not giving up though because i know God does miracles. It still gets me down though, from think 'what if'. The Sandy Hook elementary shooting keeps running through my mind also. I cant even imagine what the parents of these children are going through. Loosing a loved one is hard enough without it being your own 5 year old child. I know God is looking over them and i pray that they know that he is always with them in times of darkness. Times like this in anyones life is difficult, times like this is when you need to turn to your loved ones. Everyone needs a someone. Everyone needs a person they can turn to, a person who can hold them, a person who can assure them it's going to be alright, even though ever being in your body is screaming no. These moments in life where everything goes crashing down bringing your spirit and hope with it, is when you need to learn that you can turn to people. They will carry you when you cant, they will show you love when you dont, and they will bring you up when you're down. The people you love, they will fix you. You just have to learn to let them.

Just a thought.

So i still haven't figured out the purpose of my blog, besides to get things off my mind and just to express my thoughts. My mom said blogs generally have a purpose.
I still dont know exactly what my blogs purpose is or what im doing, but according to my friend im "doing me", which is good enough for me. (:
So with that, all i have to say is: 
Carry on reckless unfiltered thoughts of mine!

Its the moments.

That moment when you're just sitting there, your stomach feels butterflies, your heart feels light as a feather, and your cheeks cant possibly get any more sore. You realize all these things are going on, and soon after you realize the enormous smile strapped across your face. If you're anything like me right away you get a little embarrassed because usually these moments happen in public when in fact nothing is going on besides a moment inside your own thoughts. These feelings do not necessarily happen because of something someone said, or something that you just did. But because in that moment you are happiness. In that moment you are content. In that moment you are loving every second of your life. You are on top of the world and because of that, that smile will not be easily removed.
Those are the moments i live for.
I cant wait for the moments that i'm engulfed in pure bliss. The times where i am so excited to see my mom for the first time in two months that i'm overly excited towards the flight attendants, so much so that i start getting weird looks. The times where the attractive guy from down the road answered my question that i was so nervous to ask, with the exact answer i was hoping for (yup, same guy from last post (; ). The times that my brother and i just look at each other and start uncontrollably laughing, and no one could tell you why. The times where i am sitting in a diner with my dad, brother, my grandpa, who is dying of cancer, my aunt who is addicted to drugs and is in rehab, and everyone is exploding with laughter, and i take a moment to just watch them all be so incredibly happy, no matter what the circumstances were. The times where a lady was selling reindeer candy canes in the Walmart parking lot and was trying to sell them for any sort of money she could gather, and when my friend gives her the only cash any of us had on us, even though it wasn't a lot she looked at us with so much gratefulness, just beaming at us. The times where my family and i buy presents for the less fortunate kids instead of ourselves, and no one is worried about how many presents we, ourselves might not get because of this, but instead of all the smiles the toys will bring to all these kids. The times when the children at my work tell me "i make their lives better". The times that i stand up for what i believe in and prospered every second of the way. The times that i profess my love for God with no shame, and his glory just fills my body immediately after. The times where i am on my favorite place on the earth, the beach, searching for seashells and feeling the waves crash against my legs. The times where i am at the happiest place in the world to me, any amusement park, and im having the time of my life riding every ride till they shut it down. The times where i would sing worship at church and i get chills up and down my body, for i know the words i sing, are words of truth, and its my way to praise God. The times where my friends and i are all in the car and our favorite song comes on, and no matter what kind of day we had, we roll the windows down, let down our hair and scream out the song like its our job, The moments when i walk into work and every child rushes to be the first one to give me a hug, to let me know they love me, and wait gleaming at me until i tell them i love them too. Its time like these that i look forward to, its moments like these that fill my heart with joy. The butterflies and aching cheeks are one of the best combinations i have ever encountered, and i cant wait for the hundreds more to come throughout my life. I cant wait for the awkward moment where im sitting in a crowded room, or walking down the school halls and just start smiling cheek to cheek, people will stare, people will glare, but in that moment it won't even phase me, because in that moment i will be happy.

No risks, no life.

One of my favorite quotes that i've ever hear was this:
Peter Pan- "To die would be an awfully big adventure."
Now anyone who knows me will just think that is just because i'm a Disney freak, and anything that Walt Disney had to say is pure genius, and yes although he is, that is not the case. This quote just makes me think, surely more than intended from this cartoon movie, but it does none the least. It brings me back to my own thoughts that are constantly repeating in my mind. Probably the biggest battle my heart and head face each day is knowing that you should live each day to your last, knowing that you should live life how you want, and knowing you should take risks, but always being too scared to follow these beliefs with actions. Its strange that although i can believe in this lifestyle 100% and would encourage every single person i have ever met to do so, that it is a constant struggle for me to even be able to follow through myself.
I think everyone fears being rejected and fears failure, its such a shame that other peoples views on myself is the biggest factor that is hindering me from going out there every day and saying everything that is on my mind! Doing anything that every bone in my body wants me to do! Telling the attractive guy in the building down the road about my enormous crush on him the moment i met him, instead of three months later. Styling my hair whatever way i want it without even a thought of what my mom or friends will think. Not getting the half sleeve tattoo i want oh so bad, because of a job i coulda, shoulda, woulda, might have had. Getting up and doing karaoke in front of the entire restaurant, instead of counting down the days till i turn 21 so i can finally have the guts to sing in front of everyone, since at this moment being highly intoxicated is the only way i could not give a crap what anyone thought of me.
Even reminiscing on the few instances that i wish i could've gone with my belief to live every day as if it were your last, upsets me knowing that my fears of what others think is what has held me back. I think dying would be an awfully big adventure. But do you know what would be an even greater one? Living this life you have without fear would be an even bigger adventure. Straying from the safety of solely your thoughts, straying away from your wants of living a quiet, simple life, and taking each and every risk that God puts at your feet, letting your quivering bones and your wandering thoughts guide your actions and truly living this life. Now that would be an awfully big adventure.

So this is me.

This is me. Twenty years young, hating my short hair, constantly changing my mind of what i want, plastering on a smile some of the days, loving life the other days, in a constant struggle for the next best thing, cherishing my friends and family, and just trying to get by. I guess you could say i'm living the life of any other girl my age.
 I think everyone needs to be able to write down their thoughts brewing in their mind, in order to avoid a brain aneurysm. Since my penman ship is not the best, and there is a 90% chance i would lose a journal, blogging seemed to be a logical way out.

Buddha- 
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."