Cancer.

 So you flew back east to spend the holidays with your family. You are hugging everyone goodbye,  expressing how good it was to see them, and how you cant wait for another six months to pass to be able to see them again. One bye one each hug and kiss passes, and then comes the last one before you depart, your grandfather. You and your grandpa hug each other, but this hug is a little tighter than usual, a little longer than the last- This hug was one that i was scared to ever release from. It was one that i was scared i wouldnt ever feel again.
I was trying to stay strong, i didn't want my little brother to see my fear mirrored through my body, i didn't want my grandpa to feel my fear taking over. My body must have not been as strong as my mind though, because in an instant my entire body shaking and trembling. I tried to gather myself only to find that this quaking was not coming from my end of the embrace, it was coming from my grandpa. This strong man, this man i admired so much, this rock i had known my entire life, was now crying and shaking with the same thoughts that were running through my mind.

This cancer is to blame.

I broke, i wept, i shook. I couldn't stop either because now all my fears were now confirmed. He too was scared that this might be the last embrace we might ever share. We were in a room full of people but that didn't matter. He was all i felt, all i knew at that moment. My once big boned, Boston bred, take no shit from anyone grandfather, was now this frail brittle man, who felt almost as big as me. 

This embrace felt like a life time, but it didn't matter, i never wanted to let go. I never wanted to forget what he smelt like, what he hugged like. And i was so scared that this would be my last chance to remember any of that. My thoughts were cut off by a whisper coming from my grandpas mouth, he had placed his hand on my face and said 

 "Don't be afraid Somer, i will always love you

 and no matter what happens to me, 

you can count that thats not going anywhere."

Three months later, no matter how many phone calls i get to let me know that my grandpa is not getting any better, only worse. No matter how many times someone confirms that this is it, that he only has so long now. I still foolishly pray every night, asking God that this cancer that can not be removed will be removed.

 Losing a loved one is a feeling that no one should have to go through, but unfortunately everyone experiences this. The gut wrenching feeling that overcomes your body when you find out your friend, grandma, grandpa, brother, mom, coach, anyone you love, has passed away is unbearable. Its a feeling you cant even begin to comprehend how to make it better. The depression that you put yourself in, because of the anticipation of the phone call that is going to inform you that he has passed, is just as miserable. Every unexpected phone call from your mother or father makes you sick to your stomach. This is it, this is the phone call. But its not, so then this vicious cycle continues. Your only hope is that your prayers reach God before the phone call reaches you.
No matter what happens you will always have the memories, you will always have the pictures, you may not have the living body, but you will always have their living love.

-I love you Grandpa Frank, forever & always. Stay strong <3

Heartless puzzle

Today i was told "How am i supposed to care for someone who doesn't want to be cared for."
Well that hurt, but thats completely true.
I think after anyone has been hurt they just want to push everybody away instead of giving them a chance. Of course that's the best option, that's the hurt-free option. I try not to get too close to anyone, but sometimes it just happens. Then you get to the complicated part where you start getting those feelings that you never wanted, and now what? Well now you have to look like the heartless bitch who messes with guys feelings. When in reality the only wrong thing you did, was let your heart out run your head.
It's not the fact, that we, the broken, enjoy being so bitter and un-trusting towards guys. We just had to fix ourselves somehow when we were very first heart broken, and building this wall that no one can knock down was how we did it. The wall was formed from hatred, molded with hurt, glued together by the raging knowledge that this heartbreak will NOT happen again.
And now you have this challenge of hiding your feelings, crunching them in the very back of your head, hoping and wishing that they will eventually go away. Sometimes you will succeed and everything an carry on normally without anyone getting hurt. But sometimes your master plan of being heartless and feeling-free, wont turn out the way you hoped. That's when the pushing people away part comes into play.
Pushing people away is definitely one of my fortes. Im not proud of it, but i am good at it.
And now were back to my opening statement, you're right i dont want to be cared for. And that might hurt your feelings, and that might make you upset and angry, but at the end of the day someone who is broken should never try to build new bridges when they are still trying to piece together the damage from the last one.
So you're right, i don't want to be cared for, and yes i might be missing out on something amazing, and yes living a life that involves pushing everyone away is miserable, but don't be fooled.. Just because im single, doesn't mean im looking. Just because im not in the right mind set to give anyone a chance just yet, doesnt mean that i wont eventually be ready. And just because i foolishly had feelings for a moment, doesnt mean that im willing to put aside the part of my life where im finding myself, and living for only me, to try to pursue you. And you can call me a bad person for that, you can call me heartless for that but just remember that no one can  build up new walls together with someone who hasnt even knocked down their own yet.
Fools rush in. 
The wise piece themselves back together slowly but surly and learn to love themselves before ever even considering letting someone else love them.

Ruined Love, Renewed Life.

Im not one who normally is very worried about my pride, i think pride is a shameful thing. When it comes to our situation though its an entirely different aspect. When it comes to the fact that our break up couldn't stay between you and i and a whole bunch of unnecessary parties became involved with lying and deceiving then now my pride had to be an issue. Its unfortunate that i couldn't cry about what happened between us without being critiqued, without being told that it was because i couldn't do better than you, without being made a fool for being upset. Any person with a heart would've cried over what happened. I have so much i've always wanted to get off my chest but i was told i have to worry about my pride, i've come to terms with what happened and at this point i could give a shit less what anyone has to say about it.

 At the end of the day i was in love, i was truly and deeply in love with someone i thought was who i was meant to be with. I was in love with my best friend. I was in love with my happily ever after that had came to me. I dont care if i was too young in some peoples opinions, you dont put an age limit on love. Some of you people who had been married 15+ years had never even felt what i had felt with him. This was true love. The most powerful thing in the world. I knew it was true love, with every inch of my body, with every heart beat that paced when he kissed me, with every butterfly that flew in my stomach when i saw him, this was true love, and it was my true love. And it ended. He fell out of it, one hundred times faster than he had fallen into it, but none the less he was done. I knew it would be hard to lose a love, but do you know how hard it is to lose a second family? A best friend? And your true love? Its hard, and it hurts like hell.

 Not only emotionally, but physically. Your entire world has changed, your every thought needs to be rerouted, and your everyday routine gets thrown upside down, so when i say it hurts emotionally and physically thats not an exaggeration. Emotionally it will wear you down to your core. Every single upsetting thought is over running your head and cant seem to find any source of exiting so it sits there, it fills every crevice and hole imaginable, and since it cant escape it just brews. It grows stronger and stronger and stronger, never weakening, but instead only adding more and more thoughts to the mixture. Why me? Why did he fall out of love? What's wrong with me? Its cause im not pretty, im not funny, im not who he wants. Why did he lie? Why did he pretend? Why did he drag it out? Why didnt he just end it three months earlier when he tried to take a break? Why did he keep leading me on? Why did i believe him? Why did i keep trying? Why did i ever think someone could really love me? Why did i ever start liking him? Why did i ever meet him? Its like you are trying to scream and nothing will come out it just stays in the midst of your own mind, always tormenting you, longer than you want, more than you thought. You just want to be brought back to reality but you dont even know where to begin because he was in every part of your reality. Physically it will wear you out. The fake smile you continue to put on for every one will start to hurt. Breaking down when you're all alone, then quickly putting your fake self back together because someone walked in, will exhaust you every bone. The cringing that happens in your stomach when your tears finally are getting released will ache and sicken your entire body. 

As if this wasn't enough everyone and their brother insists on knowing what happened, so just when you start to recuperate you have to relive the embarrassment that your true love... just didnt love you any more. 

You start to make a new life, new friends, new relationships, new everything. You have to after all, he was your life, so the only choice you have is to make a complete new one. This one isnt as good as the other in the sense of how you now approach relationships, and your take on what once was the greatest thing in the world, but now the most terrible- Love. 

Any guy, bad, nice, it doesnt matter, he can keep stepping.

Any person, girl, guy, family, friend, who tries to get close to you, can keep moving.

You don't need anyone but yourself, its not safe to trust anyone but yourself, he proved that to you. 

You dont ever want to become that vulnerable again, you'll get screwed. He proved that to you.

You dont want to ever give someone a chance, it'll just make you look foolish. He proved that to you.

You dont ever want to trust another word a guy says, it all is a lie anyways. He proved that to you.

You dont ever want to believe that a happy ending with a true love is in your cards, it obviously isnt. He sure as hell proved that one to you.

Now here comes the best part. I go to the same college as him, no even better i live in the apartment building next to his, OH even better! The girl he fucks lives upstairs. 

You wouldnt think we were together almost two years by the way we know nothing about each other now. You wouldn't think we used to be madly in love with each other, couldnt go a day without seeing and talking to each other, with the way we dont speak now. You wouldn't think we used to wrestle and talk in a made up language to each other, with the way were so awkward around each other. You wouldn't think he came on family vacation with my family, you wouldnt think we used to be inseparable, you wouldnt think we used to roll around laughing for hours with each other, that we used to sing to each other, that we used to sneak out late at night just for a couple hours together, no one would ever think that with the way we act around each other now.

Whats really hard to think about is that i bet no one would even guess, the ridiculous amount of forever page texts to one another expressing our love for each other that both of us had on our phones, i bet no one would even imagine that he promised me forever and always, that he promised he could never love someone else, that he gave me a promise ring, because "he couldn't imagine life without me by his side", that we used to plan where we would go on a honey moon, or how our wedding would be, or the types of rings that we both wanted, i bet no one would guess that we used to talk about having kids when were older, and how he wanted to name our first kid Carter Jay, and how we were going to be true rebels together, and last but not least i bet no one would even imagine that he used to talk about marrying me this year, in 2013, he already knew how he was going to and when he wanted to. Of course no one would ever imagine that this boy used to be my everything, that he used to be my refuge, that we would tell each other our deepest darkest secrets, that we would cry together, we would laugh together, we would love together, we would plan our future together. Of course they wouldnt think we did any of that, not when they see us how we are now. Practically strangers. Actually no thats exactly it. We are strangers, without even a hello we can pass by each other we both will be automatically be reminded of everything we once were, but we'll continue walking like we had never met. The only problem there, is i'd much rather him be a real stranger that i pass or hear about every day, rather than a once upon a time lover who i know will never be the guy i fell in love with. 

People will tell me it will eventually pass, this uncontrollable feeling thats completely overwhelming, it will pass. Believe me it has passed, I believe that, i believe everything happens for a reason, but i also believe that i (just like any other girl) will have those nights where we bring our thoughts back to what once was.

Don't get me wrong, i dont want to be back in the relationship, 

because the truth is is that it did end for a reason, 

im not saying it was all his fault either,

its just sad how much of a stranger two people can become,

its sad that we dont even know how to be friends,

The main point is that the past might be something you think you miss, 

or something you think you want but the truth is

 the past might be comforting, but it doesnt mean that it is right.

 Situations change and so do the people in your life, even the ones you thought you know everything about. You just have to remember that eventually you will forget his phone number, you will forget the way his lips formed when he was laughing at you, you will forget the way he'd look at you, and you will start to remember that this chapter of your life is over, and that the end was not as great at it once was, and that it was for a reason. You will remember that there is nothing to miss besides the memories that you and who he used to be had made. You will start to remember that there is bigger and better things out there for you, you just have to learn to trust again. No this wont be an easy task, but you have to remember it is possible. You will start learning that God has someone planned for you, and if he was the one, it wouldnt have ever ended in the first place. You will realize that even though he was your life at one point, that your life has in fact just barely started. You will realize you have so many more years ahead of you, so many more than the two you spent with him. People come in to your life for a reason and a season, you will remember that the reason he came in to your life was to teach you how to open up to people, which you could never do before, he taught you how to love someone and to love yourself, which you will always be thankful towards him for that. And although you've shut all that off because of your trust issues that he brought, those teachings are still there. They are just buried deep. But one day you will unbury them. One day, maybe not this month, maybe not this year, but one day they will resurface. One day you will let someone close enough to know the real you, one day you will give the guy who gives you butterflies a chance, one day you will learn to open up and trust again. Most importantly one day you will remember how to love and in return be loved. 

Then comes the day where you will pass him in the halls, and you just smile and say hello, because instead of all the overbearing memories you miss running through your head, you are just truly happy to see him doing well, and you are immensely content with your life and where you are going in your life-without him. 

Just me, myself & I

Although i will have these moments where it will upset me again, it doesnt mean im not almost there. Recovery from a broken heart can take a long time, forgiving someone in order to start fresh with someone new can take even longer. But i know it will happen. 

The fact that i dont ever think: "what if i did this" is a fair start. 

The fact that i dont know his number any more, or that i forgot some of his favorite things is a good start.

The fact that i dont walk certain ways in hopes of seeing him is even better. 

See im on my way, and i dont plan to take a step back now or ever. My life is changing in so many ways and he is just one of the changes that has happened, he is just one of the pages in my book, that although sometimes its easier to, i will never regret, and i wont forget. The plus side of that is that my life has many pages, and that was just the beginning.

This too shall pass.

A poem for my thoughts. 1st poem.

Oh silly girl let love in.

He stopped loving you, that's no sin.

He wasn't made for you, you weren't made for him.

That doesn't mean someone else isn't supposed to step in.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl open your heart.

Don't keep building these bridges to part.  

Walls can crumble, they can fall.

Can't you see you're pushing everyone afar.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh sill girl you're not fooling anyone.

Once upon a time your true heart was shown.

They can see your hate for your heart of stone.

You're only as strong as your broken heart, and the pieces that it's lost.

Stop pretending you'd be okay, to be forever alone.

Let go, just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl let your love bloom.

Diminish the thoughts of only gloom.

Let love live, let it blossom and soar. 

Let it touch the sky, swallow you whole, let it know there's no chance of doom.

Let go, Just live. Let go, let live.

Oh silly girl, can't you agree?

Love was made for people like you and me.

You have to let go, you have to trust fate.

Love can mend, love can build, love can live.

And surely it can grow, just like the sweet apple tree.

Won't you stick around to see?  

    

This time of year.

I was never family orientated till a couple years ago. Family was not something i prioritized during Christmas, or any time in general. I've always lived states or countries away from extended family and i was always content with that. Now that i've been thrown in the mix of my psychotic families during the holidays i don't know how i ever managed to be away from these crazies all the years before. I love the feeling i get when im in the middle of all the chaos. The aunt who keeps screaming at her adhd kid, the mother getting anxiety out the roof so just starts acting like she escaped the crazy house, the dad who without fail breaks something of my grandpas, the grandpa who is now yelling, well more like a muffled mumbling of some sort, the seven dogs that everyone feels the need to bring to the party, running around chasing the imaginary squirrel, the idiots in the corner just cracking jokes and laughing at everyone, usually thats where i'll be found with my brother, the cousins who have the same two lines that made one person laugh, on repeat to everyone and their brother, oh and the screaming baby, lets not forget the drunks that turn out to be the main entertainment of the night. I love being in the middle of all that. I love all the stories that form from the chaos in the weeks later. Christmas is a time to be engulfed with love from your family and friends. Its a time to rejoice with the people who surround you, and its a time to be reminded of how lucky you are for the loved ones you have. Im sitting here just watching all the family and friends who im surrounded with tonight at the Christmas party im at, loving every second of it, loving the laughs im hearing, and the smiles im seeing. Im holding this moment close to my heart for later years, but as for right now someone just arrived with Jack (; and thats my que.
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and merry whatever doesnt offend you! (:
xoxox,
Somer

Fix you

Everyone goes through struggles in their life. Loosing a loved one is probably the toughest one that i have struggled with. Lately thats all i can think about, is the people that i loved, i lost. My moms mom, who i called Mum-mum i lost to cancer a couple years ago, my soccer coach of 5 years i lost to cancer an even shorter time ago. These were by far some of the most tough times i had ever gone through, and more tough from the fact that i refused to let anyone help me get through those times. My grandpa Frank has cancer of the throat, its came back twice now, and he is not even able to do radiation more. He is choosing to quite chemo as well, because he wants to live the life he has left without that extra pain. Long story short it doesnt look good, im not giving up though because i know God does miracles. It still gets me down though, from think 'what if'. The Sandy Hook elementary shooting keeps running through my mind also. I cant even imagine what the parents of these children are going through. Loosing a loved one is hard enough without it being your own 5 year old child. I know God is looking over them and i pray that they know that he is always with them in times of darkness. Times like this in anyones life is difficult, times like this is when you need to turn to your loved ones. Everyone needs a someone. Everyone needs a person they can turn to, a person who can hold them, a person who can assure them it's going to be alright, even though ever being in your body is screaming no. These moments in life where everything goes crashing down bringing your spirit and hope with it, is when you need to learn that you can turn to people. They will carry you when you cant, they will show you love when you dont, and they will bring you up when you're down. The people you love, they will fix you. You just have to learn to let them.

Just a thought.

So i still haven't figured out the purpose of my blog, besides to get things off my mind and just to express my thoughts. My mom said blogs generally have a purpose.
I still dont know exactly what my blogs purpose is or what im doing, but according to my friend im "doing me", which is good enough for me. (:
So with that, all i have to say is: 
Carry on reckless unfiltered thoughts of mine!